What Made Me Stronger Than Before?

Content Note: This story contains honest discussions of childhood sexual abuse, rape, and trauma. Please read with care.

I am not your typical person. I was crafted from the tribulations that didn't break me, molded from the trials that didn't kill me, and strengthened by the God who saved me. I am STRONGER THAN BEFORE because I refused to let my past have the final say over my life.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)

I haven't always made the right decisions. But none of those decisions defined who I am or what I am destined to become.

I was born in May of 1979 and grew up in a small town in Lynchburg, Virginia. From early on, I knew I was different. I never quite felt like I belonged. I was bullied all through elementary school, and still, somehow, I loved people. That part of me never left.

I had a solid foundation in Christ growing up. We were COGIC, holiness church, which means you were in church nearly seven days a week. Church members were not just members. They were family. Everyone was your auntie, your uncle, your cousin. My parents trusted those people, and they had every reason to. But wolves have a way of blending in with the sheep.

While I was still just a little girl, a minister in that church, a man who stood behind a pulpit and wore the face of God, molested me. Repeatedly. It continued until I was old enough to understand what he was doing and how it made me feel.

The moment I understood, I made sure he never cornered me alone again. I could not name what happened to me back then, but my body knew something was wrong long before my mind could find the words.

When I was 12 years old, another man violated me. A man from my own neighborhood. He raped me. After that, I did what a lot of survivors do when the pain becomes too heavy to carry. I pushed the nightmares down and started going numb, numb to my surroundings, numb to myself.

I started attracting older men, convincing myself I had nothing in common with boys my age. Looking back, I understand now what I could not see then. I was a wounded child searching for safety in all the wrong places. I had my first child in 1995, at 15 years old. His father was 21. My uncle and my late aunt raised him as their own from birth, and I am grateful for the love they gave him.

For a few years after that, I was just going through the motions. Surviving, not living. But I graduated from high school in 1997 and went on to attend North Carolina Central University that fall. I earned my first degree in May of 2001. In 2002, eight months after graduating, I had another child. A couple of years later, I got married and had one more.

Life kept moving, and so did I.

In 2017, God placed something on my heart that would not leave me alone. He told me to share my testimony, to open my mouth and let it out so that someone else would know they were not alone and that giving up was not the answer.

I do not look like what I have been through. That is not me being boastful. That is grace. Pure, undeserved, relentless grace. I have had to wrestle with rejection, rape, loss, molestation, failure, fear, anxiety, depression, sickness, divorce, grief, addiction, poverty, and more. You name it, I have likely walked through it. And yet, my past did not break me.

Every single battle I faced, I came out on the other side. Maybe bruised, maybe exhausted, but still standing.

Today, I am a blessed woman walking in her purpose. I am a mother to three beautiful adults. I am healthy and happy. Over the years, I have earned additional degrees and certifications, and I have purchased homes I can call my own. It has not been easy, and there have been plenty of obstacles along the way. But I refuse to quit.

I am wiser than I was yesterday and more confident than I was a year ago. Those tests and trials did not destroy me. They built me into exactly who I was meant to be.